Change

Monday: Lower body resistance training and cardio.

Tuesday: Cardio with Geoff on the elliptical.

Wednesday: Upper body resistance training with cardio (70 minutes, too!)

Thursday: Cardio. by myself, as usual.

Today: I need to go to the gym after Annalise gets home and do my lower body and cardio.

I. Am. Sore.

My goal for the next few weeks is to be in a constant state of sore. I want to find ways to be active.

So I've been exercising regularly since Spring. But not enough. I've probably been averaging 2-3 days a week where I used to be about four. My biggest problem is my migraines. Now I have to give myself even more credit because sometimes when I'm having a migraine (when it is just the pain and not the stomach upset or vertigo) I will still go to the gym. But often it is too much for me.

I just finished my prednisone treatment a few days ago and I have been taking advantage of the migraine strike my body has had for the past few days. It's been VERY nice.

The other battle? Food. It's a shame that something our bodies need, something that is good for us can be a battle.

From the ages of thirteen until I was nineteen, I battled times of purging (I've learned recently I wasn't a bulimic, but a purger) and anorexia. My parents sent me to a fabulous therapist whom I saw on and off as needed. The abuse I put on myself and the denial of food to my body gave me a sense of control over my life, when I felt I didn't have any. It was unhealthy anger management.

Now that I'm a "grown up"...those demons sometimes stir in me. Not to action, but just thoughts. I have better emotional reflexes that keep me in check.

Yesterday I experienced a little demon and he made me laugh! I was driving home from Anna's school where I'm a room mother. Since exercising a lot, naturally my appetite is much stronger. My body was sore and my stomach hungry. It felt good. Sick good. Like I didn't want to eat to change this feeling.

What?!

So...like I do when I'm driving alone: I talked to myself. Questioned why I liked this. Is there something that feels out of control in my life? Yes!: eating too much! HA! I started laughing almost maniacally. How funny that my very issue could actually be answered (be it unhealthily) by my old weakness. A weakness that has always been unrelated to food, in reality.

Okay. Well. I just have to have more control over my food intake. I can use an ounce of that crazy mind of mine, that knows how to deprive, to take some control over my choices.

I do great through the day. It's at night (I'm a recovering night owl) that I consume calories that tip the scales over for the day.

So last night, at 9pm, I didn't snack out of control. I had a 100 calorie yogurt (with a few chocolate chips for my Vit Ch) and some water and called it my snack. It satisfied and had some protein.

This morning I woke up feeling victorious. Yesterday, I ate very healthy. I can do it again today.

And to that sick voice in my head that showed it's ugly face yesterday for two minutes? Sorry, my old friend. You still don't get to win.

I do.