A Choice

It's been almost one month since the miscarriage. Still, I have quietly accepted what happened with full faith and hope in the goodness of life.

It came down to a choice: feeling sorry for myself, or having faith in the feelings I had been given through prayer. Both choices would take energy, on my part. Both choices would serve me, though only one would also serve others around me.

And it isn't that I ignored my feelings of grief. I had them; I just didn't dwell in them. I was sad about the pregnancy not working out. I was. I still am, though in truth I am now more grateful for its occurrence.

I should also add that this was my first miscarriage, and my hormones, I believe, slowly and steadily dropped for a few weeks before the miscarriage. So my emotions were very steady, plus this being my first loss, I wasn't plagued with a continuing doubt that may affect women who suffer miscarriage after miscarriage.

It felt like (and perhaps I should say, feels like, because it is still an active choice) I was at the fork of a trail, one path going downhill and the other uphill.

The trail uphill takes more effort. It is faith. It is action. It is trust. It is hope, without despair.

The other night at dinner Geoff was teaching the girls about acting, and being acted upon. There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon where the prophet Lehi is talking to his sons before he dies. He talks to them about the Atonement of Christ and also opposition in all things of life. Then he goes on to say that God created all things, "both things to act and things to be acted upon".

Geoff explained about acting and being acted upon, because our girls (and actually, every human being I know) react so very often to situations instead of thinking through how they should act. He used a napkin as a prop. He moved the napkin back and forth, explaining that the napkin doesn't have a choice: it has to move if he places his hand on it and moves it. Then he taught them that they always have a choice as to how they act in a situation. He taught them that they don't have to be like this napkin, moving back and forth in the control of another. They decide how they will act.

So we now use the phrase, "you are not a napkin", when reminders are needed.

Some women from church came and visited me last week. (I think it was because of the miscarriage and they wanted to check up on me.) One shared a scripture, again from the Book of Mormon (if you've never read it, give it a try, I promise it is not a strange cult!) from the prophet Jacob. Here it is:

"Look upon God with firmness of mind, and pray unto him with exceeding faith, and he will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction.

O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever" (Jacob 3:1-2).

When they read this, it was perfection. It spoke a few things that I had been pondering about on my own over this ordeal with the miscarriage.

A few phrases and thoughts that struck me:

"firmness of mind"--this feeling of choosing which path I will take in my reaction to this trial--it is all about having faith and constancy of mind.

"pray unto him with exceeding faith...he will console you...he will plead your cause"

"receive the pleasing word of God...feast upon his love"--the word of God is the atonement of Christ. In that atonement He patches up those broken places in your heart, the longing is filled with hope. But one must actively receive it. Again, that action of faith. The action word "feasting" shows a strong desire for receiving that atonement.

Again, these are all contingent upon choice. A choice. We all have choices. Everyday. Little things. Big things. Not only what we do in a situation, but how we think and feel about a situation.

I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who knows me, who knows the desires of my heart, and who, often without my asking, blesses me with comfort and also with those earthly "angels" about me, to lift me up. I am grateful for scriptures, where I can find inspiration, solace, and pure knowledge. I am grateful for choices.